Part 0-We Meet

I am nine years old, playing in Dad's front yard on a Friday. Near-summer Friday, wet and unexpectedly chilly. I am not here because I want to be. Dad has just moved here, with Noise, a woman who is not my mother but shares a home with Dad. I hate her. She hates me. She is yelling, so I am outside because it is quiet. I'm reading or drawing with chalk or doing anything to pass the time until her shouting dies down and I can go back inside to the soft fuzzy blur of cartoons on the tv.

Schoolbus rolls past, fat yellow grub, twinkie on wheels. I follow because maybe there are kids on it and maybe they are my age and maybe they want to play. I have no friends here or at home. A friend might be nice. The bus stops a block away and I watch as she and her brother come off. She looks my age, looks friendly, looks beautiful. Most of all this is what I care about: Two weeks ago my reconnaissance of the neighborhood woods led me to a pasture with horses. Her house backs up to that pasture, and maybe she likes horses too.

"Hi," I say as casual as I can. Try to be cool even though I'm sweating with nerves already. "I'm Sal. What's your name?"

"Alicia," she says and I know right away we'll be friends. I know because when she smiles the clouds part and because she has purple bands on her braces and I have purple bands on my braces too. That made it kind of like fate, right? "Wanna come in and have some soda?"

I was instantly happy, blissful and cheerful in the way only kids can be. Everything else I could feel was obliterated in the tidal wave of my victory. I had made a friend. Things would only go downhill from there.

i should add that the horses belonged to her parents, who did not scream at anyone and always had hugs and smiles. I didn't know how fucked up they were until much, much later. Her brother, Elias, was annoying in the way little brothers are, and so the two of us usually tolerated him.

Welcome and Introduction

We all have someone we admire. Growing up, I spent my weekdays in agony inching towards Friday afternoon. I would be shuttled to my dad's house. Circumstances being what they were, I spent nearly all weekend with the other neighborhood children. That's how I met her.

Introducing The Players
Sal-Me. Lost, genderless, angry, inhuman, ugly, monster. Age 9 when the story begins.
Alicia-Her. Elegant, refined, cute, sweet, delicate, perfect, broken. Age 10 when the story begins.
Elias-Her brother. Rough-and-tumble puppy sort, just as cute, not so broken. Age 7 when the story begins.
Angel-My "imaginary" friend. A source of endless frustration.
Also featuring: Dad, Noise, Mr. Scarecrow, Kanga, Junior, Loaves 1 and 2, Rose, Quartz,

What To Expect
This blog will be autobiographical, but perhaps a bit fanciful. Details I do not recall will be embellished, and the truth will be bent in the interest of storytelling.
This is a story about love, and also about growing up, and about belonging.
This is an exorcism. Maybe by writing this I can get my temporal homesickness out of my system.
This is a transformation. Watch as my analysis brings me from malformed beast to sweet, innocent girl. I will not be using trigger warnings, but there will be mention of self-injury and eating disorders and abuse. Read at your own risk.